My journey into Yoga..

I want to write about my journey into yoga and the arrival of where I am at today. This is combining about 20+ years into one blog post so grab a tea and settle in.

I went to high school in the early 2000’s and for me, it was a fairly positive experience- I know that is not the case for everyone. While I was in high school, I was very into sports. I was a member of the cross-country running and skiing clubs and I was a part of the track and field team. I cross-country skied to stay in shape for running, I joined track and field because running was an option …. although, I learned quickly that I don’t enjoy sprinting. I didn’t particularly excel in long distance running but I really loved it. I thoroughly enjoyed the feeling of racing; I liked the nerves at the beginning of the race, the adrenaline of running a race and the fulfillment of finishing a race. I wasn’t super competitive with others but more so myself. I like the feeling of pushing my limits and flexing my willpower and determination.

Long distance running was pretty much life for me. Through the course of running in high school, I had a couple doozy injuries and chronic issues like shin splints. We had excellent coaches and they were so supportive of my drive to run. I was introduced to yoga through our coaches and team members. I began practicing via a DVD in my basement. I remember the feeling of holding Virabhadrasana 2 (Warrior 2) and how badass it felt. There were those moments of badass-ness and empowerment but mostly I showed up so that I could keep running.

I ran consistently for many years -I believe around 10 years. After high school, I joined charity and fun runs, casual groups, ran by myself and with friends. The entire time I ran, especially when I would buckle down and train, I would experience a lot of discomfort, pain and injuries. These were never so serious (or I didn’t take them seriously) that I couldn’t keep going but they were always very naggy.

In 2006, I was camping with my friends and a tree fell on the car we were taking cover in (a story for another day). I was knocked unconscious and trapped under the tree for many hours. I have been know to say that “I miraculously ‘walked’ away” but this accident did a lot of damage that was not dealt with immediately. I did walk out of the hospital the day after but I walked out with some pretty serious invisible injuries, that I was unaware of.

2006 was the beginning of quite a few years of messy, emotional and physical challenges.

In 2007, I started college for Esthetics and then my dad passed away.

I was in transition from teenager to adult during these years. I left my town for the first time, I moved in with a boyfriend for the first time, I started college that I paid for myself, my dad died, I broke up with boyfriend and then I moved to Toronto.

I was 22 when I first moved to Toronto and whew what an exciting time that was. I’m smiling thinking about it because it was such a time of growth and I hold so much gratitude for it. I went to college for Esthetics so obviously I was looking for jobs in the spa industry. I came across this business called Tula Yoga Spa. It was a yoga studio- I knew about yoga but not studios- and it was a spa. It was also right downtown, just off Queen St. West. I thought that was SO cool. I got the job and I experienced my first hot yoga class. It was incredible. A lot of the reasons that I enjoyed running, I found in hot, vinyasa yoga. Since the accident, my running was really intermittent. I was struggling with concussion symptoms that were being misdiagnosed, missed entirely or swept under the rug due to the death of my dad, and running exacerbated symptoms. I persevered but it was a struggle.

I began practicing hot yoga a lot. My reason to show up wasn’t so much about running anymore; the pace and sweatiness of the yoga postures checked those boxes for me. I was starting to learn about the wholeness of a yoga practice; the 8 limbs of yoga. At a time in my life where I was dealing with chronic and naggy body issues and a lot of new mental and emotional turmoil, Yoga allowed me to continue moving my body and also started holding space for my new found mental struggles.

Then I went on a 5 month trip to South America. This was also another incredible time in my life where I smile brightly when thinking about it. It was also really friggen hard— another story for another time. Let’s just say I learned a lot about myself through my time and travels in South America. If I can ever recover the blog that I wrote while overseas, I’ll share it.

After South America, I moved back to Toronto.

It wasn’t as expensive as it is now to live but I had debt and I struggled with making a dent in that AND living the life I wanted. I’m sure we can all relate to financial stress.

I worked at all the locations of Tula Yoga Spa; South, West and Central and worked in many small business spas around central and west end Toronto. For a short period of time, I worked as a dating coordinator at a old school dating company. I really explored my skillset in the city.

In 2012, I took my first 200hr Yoga Teacher Training through Tula Yoga.

After graduating the YTT, I began subbing classes while also working full time. When I think back to this time in my life, a vision of a rat race comes to mind. I was really struggling with the pace and quality of life. I was deep into a period of depression and while Yoga and the YTT were very helpful, I was unknowingly battling invisible/visible issues relating to the concussion. I often felt like I was working against myself with 1 step forward, 3 steps back.

I can’t remember exactly when I came across this video of Abraham Twerski using an analogy of a lobster to explain the squeeze of life:

If you're in a rigid time of your life, when there's no room for expansion be like a lobster and molt! When life gets too tight the lobster goes into a quiet place and sheds its shell.

This was a lightbulb moment for me as I was feeling all sorts of uncomfortable and feeling very unstable both mentally and physically.

In 2014 I had been having a very chronic and at times immobilizing pain in my left hip. I was getting back into running again and really digging deep in my vinyasa asana practice. It was a very up and down time as I would push then hurt and feel forced into rest then repeat.

It took about 6 months to get an MRI. I was diagnosed with a slight labral tear in the left hip. I was 26 and wasn’t about to get surgery so I stopped all movement practices. This is where I really leaned upon the analogy of the lobster. I began learning about the more subtle parts of myself. I dug deep into breath work, meditation and mindfulness as I rehabilitated my hip through physiotherapy.

In the same year, I was brought on as a Studio Manager to open Union Yoga + Wellness. Another huge pivotal point in my life. I am eternally grateful for the opportunity that the Union Yoga family offered me. I met so many wonderful people, I was immersed in Yoga and yoga education, wellness and business. I worked my butt off but I gained so much from that place. Union Yoga is still there at Bloor and Dovercourt doing amazing and wonderful things. I would highly recommend this studio to anyone.

During my time at Union Yoga, my hip was recovering and I was able to begin practicing yoga asana but it felt like I was starting all over again. The time away from my mat allowed me to see how sometimes my willpower and determination worked against my ability which caused me pain and suffering. I was also learning about the world of concussion or TBI (traumatic brain injury). The documentary “The Crash Reel” was another light bulb moment where I recognized what had happened to me back in 2006. I finally had language for it.
This language helped me advocate for myself, seeking out different therapies and practices to continue healing from this invisible injury. It has been about 6 years since the accident but I finally saw a neurologist who confirmed my injury. Validation. Validation goes such a long way in the healing process.

I enjoyed and noticed how softer practices truly held space for my healing. I certified in Restorative Yoga in 2015 and began to really develop my style of gentle instruction.

There were a lot of times, both on and off the mat, that I didn’t honour my path - meaning I often felt like I had to teach a vigorous class to be “popular” or I didn’t trust my emotional sensitivities. I oscillated between doing what I felt others wanted from me and doing what I wanted from me. I can’t remember exactly when it was but I remember having a moment with myself where I decided that I was going to instruct from MY experiences - I was going to resonate with some people and I might not resonate with others and that’s ok. Once I started to really commit to this authenticity, I noticed community starting to take form in my classes. This gave me the confidence to keep this authenticity going off the mat. I began to learn about boundaries, neuroscience, trauma sensitive and inclusive language, anti racism, anti oppression and cultural appropriation. I have always felt strongly about being kind and inclusive. I grew up in a very white, privileged area and so I often mislabeled these feelings or straight up didn’t have the knowledge or language to explain how I felt.

My zodiac sign is cancer. Cancerians are usually quite emotional, intuitive, nurturing. When I was younger, I pushed against these qualities. I saw them as my short comings. Now, I see them as my super powers.

In 2016, the universe tossed me into a labour and birth scenario that completely changed my life. Prior to this, I was terrified of pregnant people joining my classes. After this experience, I jumped with both feet into a 65 hr Prenatal Yoga training, I certified to be a labour and birth doula and began specializing in prenatal yoga and movement classes. My desire to hold space, support and educate prenatal movement and yoga is because I saw how how visceral the experience of labour and birth can be. It isn’t a forever experience, meaning pregnancy and labor will not last forever but the outcome from those experiences will. I wanted to support people through that journey.

Fast forward to 2019 when I found out I was pregnant. It was a happy surprise. My husband and I talked a lot about kids and our future and we decided to let the universe decide. If it happened, that was wonderful. If it didn’t, that was ok too. Once I had the positive pregnancy test, I felt a HUGE response to it- I wanted this more then I could even understand. I became fearful of losing the pregnancy. Around 11 weeks, I started bleeding. It wasn’t a lot but it was happening. I was sure I was miscarrying.

Thankfully, I didn’t miscarry. I had what is called a friable cervix, although I did not get that diagnosis until about 23 weeks. It is when the cervix becomes overly sensitive and easily irritated. Literally anything would cause me to bleed; exercise, sex, walking, yoga asana, getting out of bed, generally existing. This skyrocketed my anxiety.

In short form: My pregnancy was full of uncertainty and fear, and I was unable to once again use movement as a way to process. My mental health wasn’t great but I was excited to become a mother. I prepared in the best ways I could. It felt a little surprising how emotionally challenging pregnancy was for me because I had been working in the birth world for so long….

Skipping forward to the birth - I’ll plan to write about this in greater detail, because I’m still processing, but the Coles notes are that I was “overdue” failing both the ultrasound and stress test which resulted in a cesarean section. About 3.5 weeks later, a global pandemic hit. It’s no surprise that I struggled immensely with postpartum anxiety. Unfortunately, I didn’t get help until 18 months PP (not for lack of trying). It was scary, it felt uncontrollable and I felt completely alone, even though my husband and my parents have been extraordinarily supportive and helpful. All of my coping mechanisms weren’t working. I spoke to multiple therapists, tried women’s circles, postpartum groups, yoga and meditation, personal training, learning new skills like gardening and opening my mind to the idea of medication. I was super against medication in the past but medication is where I finally found some solace. I feel gratitude now for my anti anxiety medication. It offers me some space from this all consuming anxiety so I can actually use the coping tools I’ve been fostering almost all my life.

I actually tried Yoga Nidra during those 18 months of new parent life and did not like it. I was too anxious to lay still and my mind was a scary place to be. Slowly as I began finding some space between anxiety and myself, I tried Yoga Nidra again. It went better and I mainly used it as an tool to lay down and rest while my son was napping. I’m not a great napper and I never slept when the baby slept.

During these last few years, I really struggled with my identity. The world literally blew up with a pandemic, social, racial and cultural injustice and I just didn’t know how I was going to integrate back into it.

In 2022, my therapist encouraged me to submit my resume to a new yoga studio that was opening - “just try it” she said “you can always say no”.
I’m so glad that she did because every time I put myself out there, I was so kindly and lovingly received. The team and community at Everlove Yoga + Healing have been really supportive as I navigate my way back into society as the person I am today.

Showing up in my practice, on and off the mat, has helped me to foster positive coping tools, the ability to be more fluid than rigid and continuously learn about myself. When life gives me that squeeze, I can recognize the squeeze as an opportunity to work toward shedding that specific shell (identity/belief/thought/emotion).

For me, Yoga isn’t a sweaty, fast paced mat practice anymore. It’s much more of a guide toward a lifestyle that promotes self love, compassion and equanimity.