I love to write but..

The other day, I wrote an email to my growing mailer list (about my upcoming Yoga Nidra series) and I agonized over all the small details until I got to the point where I had to tell myself to just hit send.

Moments later, a good friend texted me “you’re such a beautiful writer” to which I responded “really? I think I sound weird”.

That moment has stuck with me.

If I could do that moment all over again, I would like to say “thank you” instead of being self deprecating. I used to LOVE writing. As a child, I wrote tons of short stories and I was so committed to journalling. I would write my friends and parents sweet little notes and even had a few pen pals.

I’ve never felt super book smart; I’m very much a hands on learner. I struggle with paying attention (I daydream a lot) and I definitely have some short term memory challenges. In high school, I enrolled in University English (because I loved writing) but moved down to College English because I was entirely lost. The teacher even suggested I make the switch. When I think about that moment in my life, I feel failure, I can feel my confidence dwindling. In College, it was mandatory to take an English credit but you had to write an exam to determine which English course you went into. I was so nervous to write that exam and I can remember feeling like I already failed, even before we began. It was no surprise to me that I was placed in a lower level English course. When I think about that moment in my life, I again feel failure. I feel stupid.

Perhaps I have a learning disability or perhaps I just wasn’t educated the way that I personally learn best but I see where my love of writing became intertwined with my dwindling confidence around my intelligence.

I know I’m smart. I’m smart in a lot of ways that have helped me grow into the person I am today yet I struggle with this story line of “not being good enough” when it comes to writing. I think I’m struggling with what is called Imposter Syndrome.

“Imposter syndrome describes the feeling of having trouble recognizing one’s own skills, knowledge, expertise, and/or achievements. It may result in an individual doubting themselves and their abilities and engaging in negative self-talk. Although it’s commonly discussed in relation to a person’s career or work, imposter syndrome can apply to virtually anything, from artistic skills to parenting abilities.” What Is Imposter Syndrome And How To Overcome It, Better Help.

This article was a great read and offered explanations and tips on overcoming Imposter Syndrome. I’d recommend giving it a read if you too are struggling with it.

I also LOVED this book from Pema Chodron; Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better.

I’ve been sitting with this desire to start writing again but feeling so intimidated to begin. I have notes as far back as 2013 in my iPhone with little snippets of writing and blog ideas yet I have done nothing with them. So, I’m committing myself to this blog and the process of writing. I will re-write the story around my ability and love of writing - even if I’m not grammatically correct.